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The Schedule - Day 18

The Schedule - Day 18

1/18/2023


There will be days when all you want to do is get to the end. Today is one of those days.


I don’t really want to get to the end, not having accomplished anything, but it seems that due to factors beyond my control (the process of someone opposing force) it has been decided that this day is not going to advance me any closer to my goals.


I try to maintain that the problems are all part of the simulation my character must deal with in orders to at least stay in the game and survive an overcome before they can advance. It may help to choose a perspective like this or you may prefer another of your own interpretation or design.


There are so many different interpretations and perspectives of how do deal with the reality that the world is sh-t and that each and every day you must pretend that the world is not sh-t in order to get through the day. The ‘world’ is actually a great, wonderful place. The people who control everything are sh-t and make a terrible place for everyone else as that is necessary to ‘control’ everything.


When the things you have been doing for years suddenly need an instruction manual written by people who have not been alive for as long as you have been successfully doing the thing that now requires an explanation from the people who cannot pass an English proficiency test, you know you have arrived to the place called - Now You Are Here.


‘Living in the present moment’ I think is a way of dealing with this. It is a phrase I hear commonly used. Being mindful, climate change, good vibes. All of it is there for you to use as you see fit, or not.


I am reminded of two different strategies for dealing with stress - one that involves a lot of constant movement, exercise and keeping your mind busy and acting - releasing the buildup a little at a time. Then there are the explosive people who try all of this bullsh-t and get to the point where they simply can’t f-ing take it any more and explode. They speak about one of these parties in a good way and one in a bad way. You can probably figure out which is which.


Difficult days. Today is a difficult day. There may be days when it seems like nothing has been accomplished although there have been efforts made all throughout.


I will not stress this time about locating beautifully written words that become lost in an arrhythmic fashion. Feeling like a wrong way driver or the man at the bottom of the stairs in Fargo standing in front of the poster that reads ‘What if you’re right and they’re wrong?”


I smile as I remind myself that I know I am not missing anything. Even though it may seem like there is ‘something happening’ I am not a part of. Somewhere plans are being made and outings had, and so wonderful it is or so you say. But I don’t care to be there. Even though it did feel nice once I arrived. Just the same old shit and it was never for me.


Now You Are Here is where the great reset and the new normal are taking shape before your very eyes.


There are people who absolutely deserve to be placed into a community of people exactly like themselves. With the same ‘style’ of communication, and so on.


I am finding myself spending an awful lot of time trying to undo what autocorrect does to my writing.


You can only do today. You can only do today. You can only do today.


Please do a review and please come up with a plan and reverse engineer an outline of what you already have by going over your notes. The next most important thing is to:


The 52 day charts and summaries.

Read, review and summarize what we have so far.

Become the editor of your own publication.

View the others as players in your game.

I wrote before about single player games and the loneliness and travesty of the hate that it brings. But nothing is going to happen tonight or any other night that has not already happened before. This does serve as a reminder that the problem is you. And the only problem is when you think that you are not the problem.


I was under a lot of stress writing this all down and you may wonder why and I now do as well. I went through this once before and as soon as I got to the point where I felt really good about it and everything fell into place, I lost it. Some of it. The good parts. The poetic parts. The parts that were written by that thing people speak abut when they say they were merely a vessel and poetry flowed through them. That, for me, was all erased.


I am going to say that it was because I experienced it. And there are other axioms to which one might choose to accept that come from the same place where that line did and it helped me once before overcome some enormous challenges.


The truth is that in a world where the digitization and preservation of that data has built an infrastructure to ensure that everything you do is recorded and archived, then it should be impossible for you to lose anything, yet there it goes here and there like a little wisp of smoke disappearing into the mountain air. They have a copy of it somewhere, do you? And if so, can you read it? I am sorry, but autocorrect has gotten so that sometimes I can barely understand while re-reading what I have just written. That is how badly sometimes things are distorted in the present. Keep moving. You have no choice.

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