Rigged Election in Vatican City

Vatican Vote "Rigged!" Cry Conclave Critics as Chicago Cardinal Snags Papal Tiara in Shocking Upset

VATICAN CITY — In a plot twist that’s got Catholics clutching their rosaries, Cardinal Robert Prevost, a 69-year-old Chicagoan with a suspiciously spotless cassock, has been crowned Pope Leo XIV, the first American pontiff in the Catholic Church’s 2,000-year history. Announced on May 8, 2025, after white smoke billowed from the Sistine Chapel, the election has sparked wild accusations of a rigged conclave, with whispers of “Vatican voter fraud” echoing from St. Peter’s Square to the darkest corners of the internet.

Prevost, a dual U.S.-Peruvian citizen who spent decades preaching in Peru’s dusty parishes, was a nobody in the papal betting pools, trailing far behind heavyweights like Cardinal Pietro Parolin and Cardinal Luis Antonio Tagle. Yet, in a move that smells fishier than Friday’s Lenten fish fry, the 133 cardinal electors—locked in the Sistine Chapel with nothing but stale bread and Michelangelo’s judgmental frescoes—allegedly handed the keys to St. Peter to a guy whose biggest claim to fame is navigating Chicago’s South Side traffic. “This screams interference!” bellowed self-proclaimed Vatican watchdog claims “ballots were stuffed in the holy urns by shadowy American operatives.”

Theories of a rigged election exploded faster than you can say “habemus papam.” Sources close to nobody important allege that Prevost’s rise was orchestrated by a cabal of U.S. mega-donors, Peruvian alpaca tycoons, and a rogue AI programmed to hack the conclave’s sacred abacus. “Look at the numbers!” shrieked Brother Guido Sarducci, a retired Vatican gossip columnist, “Prevost was polling at 0.0001% on Bet365, and now he’s Pope? I smell deep-state incense!” Others point to Prevost’s cozy ties to the Vatican’s Dicastery for Bishops, where he allegedly “greased palms with extra indulgences” to secure votes.

The smoking gun, according to tinfoil-mitered sleuths, is the suspiciously flawless timing of the white smoke, which appeared exactly at 7:07 p.m.—a nod, they claim, to Chicago’s area code (707 is close enough, right?). Then there’s Prevost’s papal name, Leo XIV, which critics insist is code for “Liberal Election Orchestrated” by Francis-appointed cardinals, who made up 80% of the conclave. “This was a Chicago-style election, they probably bribed the cardinals with deep-dish pizza and a promise of Bears season tickets.”

Prevost’s defenders, meanwhile, are waving their rosaries in dismissal. “Rigged? Pfft, it’s the Holy Spirit’s will!” insisted Sister Mary Clarence, a Vatican spokesperson who definitely exists. She argued that Prevost’s decades in Peru, ministering to the poor and dodging alpaca spit, made him the perfect “global” candidate. But skeptics aren’t buying it, pointing to Prevost’s spotty record on clergy abuse scandals in Chiclayo as proof he’s a “Vatican deep-state puppet” installed to distract from bigger issues, like the Church’s rumored secret NFT collection.

As Pope Leo XIV prepares to bless the masses from St. Peter’s balcony, protests are brewing. A group calling itself “Cardinals for a Fair Conclave” has vowed to occupy the Vatican’s gift shop until an independent audit—possibly conducted by PricewaterhouseCoopers or a really honest nun—reviews the ballots. On X, #VaticanVoteFraud is trending, with memes of Prevost riding a rigged voting machine like a papal bull. “If this stands, the Church is just one step away from electing a TikTok influencer as pope.”

For now, the Vatican remains tight-lipped, insisting the conclave was “divinely inspired.” But as the faithful (and the faithless) demand answers, one thing’s clear: Pope Leo XIV’s reign is off to a holier-than-thou start, with a side of spicy conspiracy sauce.

GoodMorningShithole.com